| Billy Jean rewritten from Haille's perspective... |
[Jun. 30th, 2009|05:13 pm] |
my mom and i were being silly making bread and here's what happened:
Wellington is not my lover
He's just a dog who claims that I am the one
But the pup is not my son (the pup being Finn)
He says I am the one, but the pup is not my son |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2009|12:50 am] |
i just saw star trek with my family.
i think i have a new obsession!
everyone should see it.
live long and prosper. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2009|10:57 am] |
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tired this am. kept seeing her face as she died last night and couldn't sleep as a result. haille was snoring loudly, too. corey went home last night, i think that had a lot to do with it. it's hard to be on my own, letting my mind wander. i don't know why i am afraid to be alone, but i felt uneasy last night, remembering the minutes before she went. very, very tired. i want to be left alone for awhile with my family and good friends, just to be. granny's viewing is tuesday from 2-4 pm, then tuesday from 6-8. then her funeral is 11 am on wednesday. i am singing "you raise me up" at the funeral with corey playing. nervous, but feel better actually doing something. i am worried for the days and minutes after the funeral, because the days leading up to the funeral people like to come over, check on you, etc. but i am worried for my mom when it is over. just very tired. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2009|12:49 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
it has been the longest day of my life, and the brevity of the day hasn't hit me. firstly, my granny died today. she was not only my grandmother, but also a second mom and a person i respected and admired and just loved. i loved her so much. i don't have words for how much i did. but i also was one of two people who was there when she passed. my mom and i were there. i don't have words for how that felt or feels, and i don't know if i ever will. i know i'm supposed to be happy that she's happy and whole again in heaven, and with my grandpa again. for the most part, i am. but i miss her, so much. our house feels empty without her in it. it's amazing how much presence she had even when she couldn't talk or walk. i am too tired to write anything else. tomorrow i will wake up, and it will hit me, and i will remember, and i am not looking forward to that. and i know after the funeral will be even worse. i just want to sleep forever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2009|11:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
sometimes i want to be a dog. tonight i was playing with haille like she plays, jumping at her, banging against her, biting her ears and face (gently, of course), and it was so much fun. we played with her toys and then each other and i just had a great time. then she sat next to me and stared at me and i rubbed her belly and she gave great sighs. little beast creature :) now she's just groaned contentedly and has laid down on the floor for a good rest. it seems simple: love your family, sleep a lot, play when you feel the need, be loyal, eat, drink, sleep more, and at the end of the day, get into bed and curl up against your mama. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|01:50 pm] |
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that that that don't kill me can only make me stronger |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2009|09:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  silly | ] |
Jus: Hey, can I have a few Oreos?
Corey: Yeah, sure, how many?
Jus: Two.
*Corey gives her three* Corey: This is a vegan's two! A vegan's two! A vegan's two! (obviously trying to get his point across, he's using repetition) You know how they have a baker's dozen?
*Jus leans over sadly* Jus (in a whiny voice): I DON'T WANT THREE!
Corey: Okay, okay, I didn't mean to ruin your night! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2009|02:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
i am constantly amazed by nature's glory. the turtles, i have come to realize, have REALLY LONG NECKS, just like dinosaurs did! they're like a little piece of history in my house. i have always known that turtles had long necks, but just to see it firsthand...it is an amazing sight. ;) they are truly incredible creatures, and it never ceases to amaze me how they "hunt" their food, use their large, webbed back feet as flippers, or bask for long periods of time. they also will often bask atop one another, with their back legs out like they're doing ballet. graceful suckers! it's awesome that they're so graceful in the water and clumsy on land. i also bonded today with izzie, the shaefer turtle, while in physics. she (he?) is an incredible creature, too. i can tell just how intelligent these dudes really are. can't wait to show them to my dad--- he had them as a boy, and is really excited to meet them. he's been iming me about how to care for them, what to feed them, what to watch out for, etc, as well as telling me stories of his turtle-catching days as a boy. i hope that the turtles are happy. soon they will be happier, as we are purchasing a 55-gallon tank off craigslist! more room for the a-blurts!!!! |
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| just a rant about bad boys |
[Feb. 16th, 2009|12:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
i know in my heart that there are a good number of good guys. for example: my 2 granddads, my dad, corey, conor, troy, atif, tyler, charlie. but REALLY, there are so many bad ones, ones who do unspeakable things that DON'T EVEN GET PUNISHED. i am aware that they're punished somehow, especially men who hurt little kids, they get raped in jail. but there are so many who get off scott-free. i went to vagina monologues (which were very good, by the way) and one of the monologues was about a little girl. i can't really say what it was, but it made me nauseous. and then there are "war crimes" in war-ravaged countries, like the congo. women are repeatedly USED and it doesn't get better. most of these women aren't even able to tell about it like we can in america or they're punished for it. i just can't wrap my mind around it. there are so many levels of bad boys. like bad boys who manipulate their girlfriends, who make them feel bad all the time. who beat their girlfriends or hurt them emotionally. look, i know there are bad girls, too, but i just feel like with the innate violence some boys have in them, boys have the power to be worse and damage more people, mostly women. and then of course boys aren't allowed to be feminine most of the time or they're beaten as well. i just want to take in all these women and help them to feel strong. i STILL don't feel strong a lot, so i know there are many women out there who don't. and again, don't get me wrong: there are a lot of wonderful, kind and gentle boys. just venting, i suppose. i got angry becuase of a line in a song i heard, something about "your girl", which can be a cute term of endearment, but other times is really seriously about owning someone. and then in the vag monologues i almost had to leave when the girl talked about her husband shaving her. someone who will remain unnamed shaved my legs. i was unwilling but scared. blegh. i am angry and will now go work in my workbook.
BUT just wanted to say, there are such good things in life, like our puppy yawning loudly in my face at 4am, wanting attention, really good books, days off from work (LIKE TODAY!!!), an upcoming walk with haille and my friends and family and corey james. so, there are good, good things in life, and i am happy, but i just needed to vent so i don't completely build a hate-wall in my head. thank god for being able to vent. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|10:34 pm] |
i can't believe she's gone. but she is. her physical body, i guess, is all that's gone. but her presence, too. she just was incredible. really the best rat ever, out first baby. we were gone when she died. it was sorta fitting, she was very independent, i think dying was something she'd want to do alone. it scares me how devastatingly upset i was. i was holding her body, i wouldn't put it down. corey was trying to be strong and saying we had to put her away, and i was freaking out literally. i felt like when she was gone, i would just freak out. so i held her for awhile and stroked her. i kissed her head- my favourite place to kiss her. i rocked her, i apologized to her. i got time saying goodbye. corey and i took our time saying how much we loved her. as i was wailing, corey said something that really struck me-- "jus, you KNOW she'll always be with us. you know that". i really do. i can feel that she's not just another "pet" (i despise that word anyway). she was a friend. i felt like she was on our level. she loved us differently, too. she would let corey stroke her- he could stroke her spot on her head and she's just lay there. she liked to explore on me, walking all over my body. and she learned not to go bathroom outside of her cage, too, unless it was a long long time. in my grieving state i can't express what i mean, but she just had a light in her eyes that told me she was on the level. and how she loved to perch. anywhere. even close to death she was perching on my lap.
i feel selfish saying how much I miss her, i mean, it is HER life that is gone. but i suppose i can only talk about it from my point of view. i guess death is selfish sometimes. we as humans think of how we feel.
sneaky was scared when we got home and found her. she was on the very opposite of the cage from where beak was. she seemed to know that it was wrong. and now she's depressed- her version. she's both more and less active. she's running an insane amount, even during the day, and at night she just lays around.
i don't know. it's going to be awful without her. i just can't look at her cage the same- the cage we got for our two babies turned three babies turned two. she was so happy in there. i know she had a good life, but it's not fair. by my standards it was short. way too short. too short for someone like her. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2009|08:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | discontent | ] |
mom says my granny just sleeps pretty much all the time now. i'm very sad. very very sad. i wish i could just have one more hour to talk with her. even a few minutes. my mom says granny's the second oldest living graduate of poolesville high school. i just wish...i wish she could talk to me. i want to hear her say that someone's "crooked" or that "we're all trying to go to the same place". i want her wisdom, her belly laugh, her bear hugs. she was just the kindest, most agreeable woman i'd ever met. i hope i'm like her. i'd give anything to be like her. i wish corey'd known her. he's so good with elderly people...i know that they'd have been good friends. and meg, she loved you. she loved your family.
i just feel like a part of me is gone. she is such a huge part of me. |
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| Long |
[Jan. 11th, 2009|02:04 pm] |
This weekend was exactly what I needed. :) Corey and I watched episodes of Monk (which is hilarious, by the way), went for a long walk with Haille on this old farm (and she was able to go off leash, which she absolutely loved but we later jokingly regretted because we had to give her a bath- she had to splash in EVERY muddy puddle there was!), and watched movies. It was so good. Nice, no schedule or anything. Very restful for Corey, too, which is great because he is at Great Mills HS and it's always stressful going to a new placement. His teacher's cool though, she likes to bring up controversial issues with the kids and presses for them to have original thought and to think outside the box, even though they're 9th graders who read on a 5th grade reading level.
This week was okay but stressful. It's always hard going back to your job after a break, and then we had to get ready cause our boss comes back Monday. So there was a lot to do, we were running around like tofu with its head cut off. So really busy week. Also a kid told me he hated me for the first time. He did something wrong so I wrote him up and then he got mad. I told him he could hate me but he had to listen to me. He really doesn't listen to me though, which is a huge problem. He only listens to males. ITS SO IRRITATING. However, it was good this week because I created a hummus-sprout sandwich that's to die for :). But I've been really lonely cause I don't have class- all I have is work. And Corey's gone all day. So it's pretty lonely. I really miss my family a lot. Today I woke up incredibly depressed. It was so hard to get out of bed, but after I did I felt a tiny bit better. I ate lunch with Corey and we talked a bit and then we did some yardish work. But then he had to do work again, and I felt depressed again, badly. So I walked Haille but I still felt so depressed. It was really hard to walk. I guess depression comes and goes. I'm still really foggy and sad right now, so I decided to write. I'm not even sure why I'm sad. I think it has to do with loneliness, the stress of work, missing my family, and thinking about staying in St Mary's county for a long period of time. I have to stop thinking and just concentrate on something else. I have read two really good books this week though. I read "Their Eyes Were Watching God", which is incredible, and now I'm reading "Roots", which is just as good. Gotta research it though cause I hear Alex Haley possibly stole some of the book from someone else? Maybe not. Either way it's a really good book. REALLY hard to read and makes me disgusted.
I'm also working on my anxiety. I have, as I've said, really bad anxiety left over from Dan. One day this week there was a crime lab truck at a house in my neighborhood and a lotta cop cars and a hearse. I sat inside my house with my back to a wall like an animal and freaked out internally. Any noise I heard I almost panicked. I just really couldn't handle it. I finally called my mom and then the St Mary's Sheriff office, who said it was really nothing. After hearing this I calmed down a bit but I just had so many bad thoughts in my head. I can't go outside at night with Haille without always having my back somewhere where no one can jump out at me, and I lock my door even when I go to the mailbox. I just feel like someone's going to hurt me a lot of the time. My body's exhausted at the end of everyday cause of this stress of anxiety on it. I don't want to go back on meds, and I don't want to go to a therapist, so Corey got me a book about healing the trauma of abuse. I am hoping that my anxiety will be calmed a bit by this. I'm just sick of being scared a lot of the time. I want to get myself together. SO this is the next step. I'm also gonna start working on my breathing, and possibly try to do yoga again. I need to gain a sense of calm because I'm not around many people, especially because my landlords are gone for a month. So let's hope this'll work. |
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| Thank God for small miracles... |
[Dec. 27th, 2008|02:29 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
Tonight I helped my mom pull my Granny up in bed. She looked adorable...she was in a cute little green nightgown with a blingy candy cane on it. My mom dresses her well still, I think because she knows how much my Granny used to be impeccable with how she looked. Anyway, I looked at her and smiled and said, "Hey Granny", and, seriously she looked at me and nodded like she used to, and there was recognition in her eyes. I know she's not doing well, but it just really warmed my heart. Gave me a small piece of mind.
Also today I went to Sara and Sue's and had a great time planting baby trees, playing with goats and dogs, baking bread and dancing to John Denver. They make me so happy. My littermates :) Plus it was a gorgeous day and so it was amazing to go outside! Then my whole fam came up for leftover Christmas dinner :) |
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| devastated |
[Oct. 30th, 2008|02:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
This morning Corey and I woke up and found Virginia (Miss V) dead next to her box. She'd had diarrhea for awhile, but we were giving her Kaopectate like my sister told us to. She'd been getting a bit better, but was quite lethargic and seemed exhausted. We had quarantined her because we were worried the other rats were stealing her food and not letting her drink. Last night was the last time I'll ever feel her velvet nose against my lips. She was so loving, the most loving of our rats. My sister said that she probably had this disease where there is good bacteria in the intestines but when stressed, the good bacteria turns bad and irreversibly destroys their intestines. Apparently it's a bad luck thing...not all rats get it when they're stressed but Miss V had been beat up repeatedly by Beaky and Sneaky so she was incredibly stressed. She'd even escaped the cage a few times to get away from their cruelty. Corey and I are just so devastated. The rats mean so, so much to us, and Miss V was becoming our little baby. She loved us so much, I think because we took her from PetCo where she was getting beaten up by other rats and were nice to her. I'd take her out a lot and put her on my shoulders or under my shirt, especially in the last days when she was really sick. She was in our Rat Song video. The other day I gave her a bath and wrapped her up in a towel and put her tiny body under my shirt. She stayed there for over an hour, warming up and feeling safe. I want that feeling again. I just want to feel her little velvet nose burrowing on my lips. I wish we'd had more time with her. We've only had her for such a short time. I feel like it's not fair...she's so young. She wasn't even a year yet most likely. It's weird because the other day this girl said she'd seen our rat song in the post, but was like, "Do you actually like them? My sister has a snake and feeds it rats and I'm like...go ahead, feed it all the rats and mice in the world". I was like WTF. She doesn't even know that they're, to me, one of the best companions in the world. I just want our relationship back. I can't beleive I'll never cradle her in my arms again. I'll never feel her gently taking food from my hand as the other rats snatch it away. She was just so KIND. I know we gave her a good life but that just doesn't comfort me. She died alone, not in my or Corey's arms. She lit up my life just as much as Haille does, and that's saying A LOT because I'm obsessed with Haille. It's not that I don't love the other rats, it's just that I had an amazing connection/relationship with V. It was hard not to. Both Corey and I did. I just want her back. I want more time. It's not fair. We should have had her for AT LEAST 2 more years.
Screen's blurring...too many tears. I have to go to work now and pretend to be happy. I can't really tell anyone I'm so sad cause I lost a rat, can I? I just pray God gets me through this day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2008|01:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
I know I'm obsessed with Ben Folds, but I finally think I know the reason (besides the fact that his songs are beautiful). He is an incredibly liberal lyricist. He knows all these crappy social issues that are going on in America and finds funny-ish ways to write about them. For instance, in "The Frown Song":
Tread slowly from the car to the spa
Like a weary war-torn refugee
Crossing the border with her starving child
It's a struggle just to get to shiatsu
Present the waitress with your allergy card
and tell all of your problems.
Leave no tip at all
Down at the shoe store with your friends
Speculate who might be f**king a guru.
Rock on, rock on with your fashionable frown
Rock on, rock on. Spread the love around.
Rock on, rock on with a fashionable frown.
Spread the love around.
Hard to remember how we managed before
we could afford real and nervous breakdowns
Or before the anthropology store
was erected on Indian burial grounds
So really don't you see a little of yourself in the bathroom attendant that you just scowled at?
Or the child who's hiding inside as you wipe the smile off a teenage barista.
Rock on, rock on with my fashionable frown.
Rock on, rock on. Spread the love around.
Rock on, rock on with a fashionable frown.
Spread the love around.
Spread the love around.
Alright.
You're gonna be alright, baby.
You're gonna be alright, baby.
Floating back from the spa to the car.
State of bliss, and it wasn't the steam room.
Sometimes life's not so bad.
Now we know who's been f**king the guru.
Rock on, rock on with a fashionable frown.
Rock on, rock on. Spread the love around.
Rock on, rock on with your fashionable frown.
Spread the love around.
Smile for us now.
Do it upside down.
Or in "Free Coffee":
And they gave me some food
and they didn't charge me
and they gave me some coffee
but they didn't charge me
and when I was broke I needed it more.
But now that I'm rich, they give me coffee.
But then he writes funny songs, like "The Bitch Went Nuts":
The answer you seek my son only poses more questions.
Ask many women why relationship has failed.
Each woman offer unique reason for demise.
One woman may say, "man could not commit."
Or, "man is douche, and is now free to make love to himself instead."
Another woman may say, "man had changed,"
or even, "man no longer satisfactory lover."
But my son, ask many men same question all over the world, "why has relationship failed?" Each man, each time, will give same, simple answer.)
The bitch went nuts.
She stabbed my basketball.
And the speakers to my stereo.
She called me 'cunt'
But nothing prepared me for
what I found when I came home.
Oh and I made my own bed. I lie in it.
You lie in yours. You lie, you lie, in yours.
But they want more, they're at my door with torches. Please leave me alone, you know. Just shut it. Just shut it. Just shut it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2008|06:44 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
Turning in the MAT app today! eee :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2008|10:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | excited | ] |
JIM AND PAM ON THE OFFICE ARE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
so excited |
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| really, really funny thing my mom sent me... |
[Sep. 23rd, 2008|06:24 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. .
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what
this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is
obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe. For now................ |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2008|06:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sick | ] |
very very sick. also my first day of work, which sucks. i have to skip my morning tutoring because otherwise i probably couldn't go to work :( |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2008|01:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
i am so sick of commercials where the woman is working around the house and the man is sitting around. what the hell is up with that? |
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